When Barbie first moved into her Dream House all those years ago, nobody thought it would end like this.
But you know how it is. With all those career changes; from architect, to vet, to school teacher, to astronaut, to olympic gymnast, to presidential candidate, a lot of outfits were totally necessary. Not to mention all the accessories and shoes needed to complete those ensembles.
Cut to a few years later and following a painful breakup from Ken, what started as a simple love of clothes turned into a crazy hoarding habit, unable to pass a Charity Shop without nipping in for a blouse or a Gucci ballgown.
Wait, are we talking about Barbie or my mum here?
Returning “home” was never going to be easy. Thank goodness my mum has an amazing network of friends around her.
And around me.
Who can drive!
Several trips to the dump and to the charity shop and to auction houses and back to the dump have returned the Dream House to, well not normal as such. But manageable.
One step at a time
All these images are by the amazing Barbie diorama artist Carrie M Becker. Look at all those crazy/beautiful miniatures. The shopping bags! The hoarders favourite! (The designer carrier bags and packaging I have thrown away this week has been insane.)
It is not BOTD Towers!
It is not really my mum’s house… Hers was much worse than this.
How cold is it?
It is soooooo cold. It was snowing this morning in Hull. Eek.
And nobody wears coats. Nobody. Me and Mr F look like we landed from space in proper woollen coats.
I’m on my way to see my mum.
In the snow.
It will be bonkers.
She has a slight hoarding issue. And when I say slight I mean certifiable. This is not Channel 4 hoarding, this is American TV hoarding where Oprah has to send in bulldozers to get through the piles of clothes and handbags.
You think me and the dolls are bad?
You ain’t seen nothin yet!
I’m on a train. Will this post upload? Who knows?
What’s happening this week, Barbie readers?
Well I’m glad you asked….
1.Hitchcock is out this week. Feels like the trailer has been on for hundreds of years, right? And it’s only just out!
Oh well. I’m gonna go see it. I love Hitchcock. I’m going to see a play about Hitchcock tonight….
It’s called Hitchcock Blonde. I may have to get the peroxide out again. I should see the film in the cinema as well, then watch the Sienna Miller version on some kind of illegal iPlayer. A Hitchcock triple bill!
Remember when we were in Bodega Bay recreating The Birds?
Amazing! They’re not real birds of course. They are cows in bird-suits. But mine is way better than the official Mattel version. They should have made the effort to go to the original school house like me! Though I would love a suit with birds sewn on. Or even cows in bird-suits sewn on. Scary!
Here’s the trailer….
2.SMASH. OMG! I’m too excited. Season two premieres on some American channel tonight and on Sky Atlantic tomorrow. Yes I know it all got a bit ridiculous at the end of the last season; someone literally tried to poison Ivy in the last ep. Wack! Who knows what will happen? Do I dare look at a trailer?
Oh my god. It’s too much!
J.Hud is in it!
And Jack! Just Jack. Not Jack and Karen. Lord, imagine if Karen was in it too?
Even if it’s rubbish we get to see loads of shots of New York. I heart New York!
3. New York Fashion Week starts this week. Exciting! I love a fashion week. I hope they have one in a town where I am soon. OMG you’re kidding? They’re having one in London? This month? Perfect! I’ll be there.
4.The Year of the Snake is upon us. It’s Chinese New Year. How exciting? Chinatown was gearing up the other day as I waltzed through on my way to something or other. The dolls will be rocking their Princess of China chic even though it clashes with….
5. The BAFTAs on Sunday night, when London sparkles that little bit more, with all that extra Hollywood glitter. Who will win what? As if that matters. Who will wear what is surely more important. Expect a comprehensive Red Carpet Review, BOTD style, on Monday!
That’s a wrap!
Did you watch?
Did you stay up?
Or did you wake up really early like me and get your sewing kit out, knowing that what Beyoncé wore to the Superbowl would make the perfect Monday morning outfit for the office?
I am so great full for Beyoncé choosing something I could whip up in miniature this morning, without having to hop on the Tube to a haberdashery. She knows there is always leather and lace at BOTD Towers.
And what about my predictions?
Big hair? Wind machine? Check.
Thighs? Check. See above!
Pyros? Brilliantly executed.
Bucks Fizz moment? Check!
Michelle falling over? No but her mic cut out mysteriously… And nobody noticed.
Playlist? Not bad. I do loveEnd of Time. It’s on my gym playlist. You should see me whipping my weave to that one. It’s… Fierce. Baby Boy an odd choice. But whatevs.
No new song! Wise. She’ll do it at the Brits I’m sure.
And wasn’t it great to see the other girls?
Notice my recreation uses the same doll for Michelle and Kelly. One time with straight hair, the other wavy! And the same pair of boots three times! All in one morning, people!
I heart photoshop and clip in fringes.
So does Kelly!
Shall we see a montage of Beyoncé’s best faces?
Is sit me or is it hot in here?
Let’s talk pants.
Because I love pants! And it’s Sunday. The day of pants. And pants are newsworthy.
Sad news, pants lovers. The, ahem, face of D.Hedral, Thom Evans, has split with his voluptuous model-turned-whatever girlfriend.
I want those pants. No. I neeeeeed those pants. Which is what ad campaigns are designed to do, right? So it works.
I love adverts. I love Thom.
Ooh the pants do stuff too.
These ones are called Gigolo Joe. Best name ever!
They have magical butt powers. To give you an amazing ass. Yikes!
More on the website…
I enjoyed that pants post. Did you? I might do another one next week.
What an awful title, Richard!
I know. I’ll come up with something better for the Monday post show analysis I promise. Something less owl themed perhaps, though you know I love the idea of a Superb Owl Sunday.
On the eve of the Superbowl I thought we should maybe have a think about what Beyoncé may have in store for us tomorrow night. I’ve dressed her as a sort of Sherlock Holmes. I’m not sure why. Oh yes. This is an investigative piece.
I’m a little over excited.
More excited than for Madonna’s halftime show last year which was more of a surprise hit.
She was amazing. I imagine Queen B will be amazing of course. But just how amazing?
But then why practice? For the tour obviously! That’s a side issue.
What do we want her to sing?
Well it ain’t gonna be Ego or Diva and it’s certainly not gonna be Videophone….
This is what I envisage…
She will open with Single Ladies.
Followed by Crazy in Love with her hubby of course.
Then Telephone with Gaga appearing of course.
I then imagine some sort of homage to the Bug a Boo video shot in a locker room/football pitch….
In fact I’d like them to remake that video.
Without those godawful extensions that Tina Knowles made out of rats/Farrah Franklin (that’s one for the super fans). Then Michelle and Kelly Poundland would appear in majorette uniforms, and sing Who Run the World/Girls followed by a Bootylicious vs Survivor mash up. I’d like but wont get at least one DC number in full, Independent Women or Bills Bills Bills.
They can have 30 seconds of their new song Nuclear. No more!
Beyoncé will then have a stab at her new song which may or may not be amazeballs. Probably amazeballs though. It may or may not feature Azaelia Banks.
I’d close with something we know though.
But she won’t. She wants us to hum her new one on the way home.
I understand that my version of the show is about 30 minutes.
Madonna did 12 minutes.
Beyoncé will get 13. They will have to cut some of my numbers-probably Telephone.
Her hair will be curly.
There will be a wind machine.
There will be pyros.
There will be thighs!
There may be a Bucks Fizz moment of skirt ripping to reveal some kind of playsuit. Made of glitter.
She will sing live. Mostly.
No, No, No to Lip-Synching!
There will be no wardrobe malfunction.
If Michelle falls over nobody will notice…
Whatever happens, it will be a great show. I’m quite sure of it.
I’ll close with one more video which I saw this morning for the first time when I was looking for her Glastonbury performance but have since seen again on Popjustice’s amazing piece on Beyoncé and Justin Timberlake’s best live performances. Well worth a look. I had totally forgotten that performance of Ring The Alarm. It was crazeballs good. Go watch it now. More of that please!
Let’s have a good old fashioned Barbie of the Day post… About Post!
Look what arrived in the post!
Anything that comes with loads of Chinese stamps on makes me happy.
And then to open up and find this houndstooth number.
I want to wear it this afternoon on my cake date.
It’s too small.
The skirt is sewn onto the short sleeved polo neck. I love a short sleeved polo neck! But with sleeves ideally. But this is super nice anyway.
I think Taylor Swift would look amazing in this.
We went to see Alexei Sayle at Soho Theatre last night.
Itwasamazeballs! Hewassofunny! Myspacebarisonvacation?
Oh I fixed it.
It was such a great show. Go see it. It’s probably sold out. Go queue up anyway. Sell your granny for a ticket because it was brilliant. My first time seeing him. S good! I giggled and then guffawed and giggled some more.
Now I can’t blame Mr Sayle for my hangover today. He only had a glass of white.
It’s much more a question of “what happened next?” and I ask it as a genuine question because I haven’t the foggiest.
What started as a little post show drinky turned into a post-post show drinky-bottle of wine… We made it all the way from the theatre to… A club that rhymes with Ouch-oh. Which is what my head said this morning. More wine! Somehow I ended up back at Soho Theatre for one last post show drinky. Except it was a different show. It was a post Rubberbandits show drinky. Which was nice. Though the Rubberbandits looked baffled by my presence (a week after I wrote about them and fifty shades drunker) But odd. And hours after the show I had been to see. Bonk bonk bonk. Ouch! Back to bed.
Except I have a gig to go to…. Eek
She’s a real lady!
Ooh I’m all excited about my new copy of Elle.
Like, stupid excited.
It’s all shiny and stuff.
Ooh it’s VB with her eyes closed!
Close my eyes!
Back in a bit!
It’s that time again (!) your weekly dose of our doll’s diary.
I’m glad you asked….
Her album Broken English has been re-released in a fancy deluxe edition, all digitally remastered and what not. I love her voice. So growly and gravelly. My fave album is Songs From the 20th Century. You can’t get it on iTunes. They should deluxify that instead. Broken English is great too though. It’s out… yesterday.
2. OMG did you see The Queen of Versailles? The brilliant documentary focuses on Jackie and David Siegel and their family as they build the largest and most expensive single-family house in the USA… Just as the recession hits. It wasn’t even supposed to be about the recession. It was supposed to be about some big busty blonde (hello Barbie!?) and her dysfunctional family and this big fancy pants house. But timing, it’s all about timing, had it another way. So some lucky producer got to make the best docco of the year. I don’t think that’s what it won at Sundance last year but that should be the name of the award. The Washington Post described it as the “single greatest film about the Great Recession.” Don’t let that put you off, you badass fashionistas. It is amazeballs. It’s out on DVD today (or you can download it on iTunes).
3. Ooh, that’s a big one dear! The View From the Shard opens on Thursday. It is, erm, a view. From the Shard. That giant spiky thing piercing the sky in London. You can’t miss it. There’s a really fast lift. Love in an elevator?
It’s £25. Outrageous? It’s only €13 to go up the Eiffel Tower. But it is supposed to be fantabulous and the dolls can’t do the steps in their heels.
4. Dover Street Market reopened this week after a January refurb which they don’t call a refurb. They call it a Tachiagari. Which is nice. In this un-refurb, Hedi Slimane has done a refurb of a bit of the 3rd floor as a special YSL space. Or an un-YSL space as it’s just Saint Laurent, right? Oh I dunno. I guess I’ll just have to go check it out. Or uncheck it out?
5. It’s Queen B! She’s performing LIVE at everyone’s favourite bowl. The Superbowl! How exciting? Will Destiny’s Child reform? Will she do a new song? Will it be better than Madonna? I can’t sleep I’m so excited. I want stickers on my face too!